CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the product as the smallest virtual reality headset in the world, Apple held a keynote presentation at its headquarters Wednesday to unveil a brand-new product, the Apple Vision Pro Mini. “When it comes to spatial computing, the Apple Vision Pro was just the first step, and our latest model fits right in your pocket,” said CEO Tim Cook, the audience of Apple enthusiasts gasping as he used a pair of tweezers to remove a prototype of the device from the tiny watch pocket in his jeans. “You asked for a lighter, more portable headset, and we have delivered. For only $3,999, you can squint into this little guy and be completely transported to a virtual world made up of however many pixels you can make out through its tiny lenses.” Cook later said the company was hard at work on an Apple Vision Pro Shuffle, a VR headset that would allow users on the go to be immersed in randomly selected 3-D environments.

CUPERTINO, CA—Stunning fans and investors who had long assumed the company’s electric car project was dead, CEO Tim Cook took the stage at an Apple keynote event Friday to announce the Apple Vision Pro has been an autonomous vehicle all along. “Not only are plans for an Apple electric vehicle not canceled—it’s been on the market for over a month,” said Cook, who gave the first official demonstration of the new self-driving Apple car by placing the product on the floor, stepping onto the glass panel, and zooming around the stage in figure eights. “It’s fully self-driving and reaches speeds of up to 7 miles per hour. Pile in the whole family and go for a spin. And starting at just $3,499, it’s the most affordable as well as the most cutting-edge car on the market.” At press time, Cook had reportedly lost control of the Apple Vision Pro and flown into the ceiling fan.

COLUMBUS, OH—According to a new study published Tuesday in the Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, researchers at the Ohio State University found that people were most confident while unaware that the fly of their pants was undone. “We found a tremendously strong correlation between walking into a room with your zipper fully undone and putting your hand on your hips and announcing, ‘Hey, everybody!’” said researcher Zachariah Willis, who noted that whistling contentedly, standing with your head held high and your shoulders back, and feeling that the day was going exceptionally well were among the greatest indicators that a subject was completely oblivious to what was going on with their pants. “Some of the situations in which this phenomenon most frequently occurs include school presentations, having your picture taken for the local newspaper, and nationally televised talent competitions. Interestingly enough, we also found that subjects who were wearing elastic waistbands were prone to their pants splitting right down the middle the moment they were receiving an award for perfect attendance.” At press time, Willis added that the researchers would next be exploring the link between it being the most important day of your professional life and having your skirt tucked into your underwear.